Failure

I’m 19 days into my self-imposed 30 day 100% paleo detox and I feel like a rabid cat trapped in a box.

The worst of my physical detox was from days 7-10.  My emotions were insanely unmanageable at best, I had mood swings that could have crippled an army of men.  I felt tired and exhausted.  My skin looked awful, (I was not prepared for that!).

All through this detox time I felt a huge sense of commitment and drive to accomplish my goal, I wanted to feel better and perform better at the gym, I was absolutely struggling with my emotional connections to food.  

ie... survive 3 kids with homework = a giant Pepsi reward!

 workout without a mental break down = Starbucks!

you get the point, but I was handling things really well with no cheats, and even beginning to feel better and stronger.

On day 12, three of my five kids started ju-jitsu, further complicating my afternoons.......

here’s the typical mon-wed-fri afternoon.........

2:00 4 yr old gets dropped off--2yr old wakes up 

2:55 3 oldest get off bus

3:00 snacks and talks about our days, and in general just plain craziness

3:15 start the homework rotation.... 1st grader, math and reading (my favorite thing about school is the reading log.........I'm the mom trying to remember Friday morning over breakfast what the heck we read Monday), check in with the 4th grader make sure she isn't writing with a red pen, and double check the 3rd graders writing for neatness.

4:00 get changed for workout, pack waters and snacks for all 6 of us

4:15 find the uniforms for ju-jitsu

4:20 drop 3 oldest off with a friend at Linxx to wait for their 5:00 class

Rush to the gym all while trying to keep the mental stress from taking over and hijacking my workout!

5:45 rush back to Linxx and grab kids

And home for a family sit down dinner, baths, and snuggle time.

Now in a perfect world I'm a happy, go with the flow kinna girl, (with 5 kids under 10 you sort of need to be) but truthfully I'm a, busy, don't have time for fun, the flows a little slow for my liking kinna girl!

 I'm always thinking about what's next and that really helps me manage my schedule especially when

THE MAN is away and it’s just me.

Wow that was a side road I didn't see coming, back on track.

So I've been just moving right along doing my paleo thing and out of NOWHERE I wake up a complete mess again (I thought detox was over), I'm crying over no splenda in my coffee, I want some store bought "normal" bbq sauce, you name it I'm crying about it!

We had a timed 5k this weekend and it was raining.  I didn't reach my goal; I was dead last and soaking wet. 

 I went home cold and sad.

The next day was opening day at Rogue Strength and Conditioning (formerly known as PT in the Park).

I LOVE a social gathering! Good food, family, friends, and music, that’s a perfect Sunday.

Just for fun we did a dead lift comp.  3 attempts set your PERSONAL RECORD and write it down!

My 1st attempt was smooth and nearly effortless, to which I responded with a 20lb jump............. EPIC FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!

Both my 2nd and 3rd attempts were failed, I cried (I told you everything is making me cry).  I should have played it safer and not pushed myself.  

So I've had 3 days of just barely hanging on, failure after failure, I can't sleep because I'm up all night thinking about how I can do better.  You know what I figured out?  I can't do any better!  My life is full!  Stress comes and goes, I'm not as fast as I want to be but I didn't quit! (even though it was cold and wet) I showed up physically AND mentally.  My 1st attempt on dead lifts was 20lbs heavier than my last PR, and only 5lbs below where I thought my max was.

I am redefining my definition of FAILURE.........

I am going after excellence not perfection.  When your goals are shaped around a spirit of excellence there is no failure.  

I'm doing my absolute best, I whole-heartedly believe in a plaeo lifestyle but I also believe sometimes my best will have to do.

I've been a "runner" my whole life, I find running very beautiful however after giving birth to 5 kids it no longer maintains my body and I have fallen in love with another......... STRENGTH training.  So if I'm a minute six seconds slower than my goal after not running in 4 weeks I'll take it AND call it SUCCESS!

After just 3 short months of doing strength training I am dead lifting 155lbs!!!

SUCCESS!!!!!!

I failed at my 175 attempt but it was not a FAILURE, I will be back for you 175 and I will own you!

As for my detox strict paleo eating, I will continue on my journey always seeking excellence not perfection.  So you just might see me drinking a beer, eating bbq sauce from a bottle, or even having star bucks, but I will be checking motives food is fuel for your body not your mind or your spirit.